The proof is in the Pudding

In the past few years I've been going through some things that have caused my photography to come to pretty much a stand still. Plagued by a major lack of confidence and sudden question to my identity as a photographer, I find that I am questioning questioning what kind of photographer need to be to be considered an actual photographer.
Do I have to do what everyone else is doing, portraits, table top, landscapes or nature, and, if so, how doe I have to shoot them? Do I have to use studio lights or, can I use natural light? What if I am not that expert in the use of knowing where to put my lights or how to use my flashes outdoors? Do I still count? What if I can't speak the lingo very well, anymore, or haven't picked up my camera in months, even years?
Do I still count?

Cerebrally, I know that seeking outside validation is the surest road to ruin. The confidence I need should come from within and not from without. But, my heart, it knows of no such road. It only knows to feel.
In the end, I guess it all boils down to me wondering if I'm good enough to hang with the big boys, if I still count as a photographer if I don't do, act or sound like everybody else.
The truth is, I hope so...
I need to find my own path in this, a part of photograph that grabs me and never lets me go, something that speaks to me like nothing else.
For now, the search continues...

Studio...

Recently, I had the pleasure of photographing a friend of mine before she left town to go back home.

It was my first time in a studio environment in a very long time and I have to admit I felt a little bit rusty.
If there were any problems with the shoot, it certainly wasn't with my model, she was a breeze to shoot, really easy going and willing to get into the poses I asked her to, all of which makes for a very smooth shoot.

I love using a soft box when shooting, whether it's beauty lighting or Rembrandt, it softens the light, beautifully, as it hits the model and compliments what's already there.

As for my skills, I still feel I have a lot more to learn.

No Prize...

Once again, another year has gone by where I haven't placed in any of the categories of the Photo Life Magazine Image International Photography Competition.
And, I was so sure that this year was my year.

I have always been plagued by self doubt and a serious lack of confidence when it came to my artistic work, be it photography, writing or otherwise. I feel it is the thing that has stymied my progress more than any other in my life...yet, with every new entry I submit, every new rank I make in the top whatever categories they have, I feel that much better about my work, and about my ability to do it.

With this last year of crop, I've been forced to take a harder look at what I've submitted to these competitions and reevaluate how good my work really was. I have to step back and see with a new eye just what I was missing in my entries. Basically, I have to step up my game.

These are some of the images I submitted this year:

 




























Agreed, they aren't the most spectacular of images, but I still feel they aren't bad, either. I feel as though they still have some weight to them, some value. If anything, it may be the technical aspect of them that might be my undoing...
Anyway, there's always next year.
I'll do better next year.

Happy New year (No More Excuses...)

I just recently bought another brand spanking new piece of photo equipment, a background support set.
I bought it a couple weekends ago and today, the second day of the new year, I've only just put it up.
And, so far..., I've draped my semi-wet laundry over it.
...this does not bode well...

But, first-let be back up.

The last year and a half has been an incredibly, hellacious time for my family and I. With the sudden death of my mother it's fair to say that 2015 was not kind to us at all. It showed us things we didn't want to see or were ready to face, and through it all I found my spirit animal in the form of dollars and cents by way of credit and debit.

My first purchase, in preparation for my best friend's upcoming wedding, was supposed to be a brand new lens-and that's all. But fate, as she is won't to do, had a lot more to say on the subject than I had anticipated, and went ahead and made other plans.
Hence the new camera I bought, instead. Plus a new lens.

In the following months I kept buying all manner of things, some of which I needed, some of which I wanted-and it took me me a good few months to realized this-just because of the sheer pleasure it gave me. Instant or otherwise, I felt good, no matter how short lived the feeling, it was the best I'd ever felt in months.

So now, here I am, with yet another purchase and yet another year of hoping that I can finally do something with this craft that I'm so inextricably bound to, that I truly love so much, and which gives me such great pleasure and happiness.

This year, like all the others, I'm hoping to make my own acquaintance. To finally meet the real me and see what she's made of...

This year...

...Respite...

If you've been keeping up with my blog you've noticed that from time to time, I've taken a kind of sabbatical from photography. The lull in between practical photography taking has varied over the years but the pull is still there, albeit sporadic. I wish my tactical, hands on approach to this art was more prevalent in action, I wish there was a way that I could keep the love strong, strong enough to fight through my lack of drive. It is the Achilles to my heel, the fight to which I didn't see coming, the constant battle to which I find myself plowing through.
It is tiring.
It takes up much of my energy just to try and find a reason to pick up a camera every now and then.
But, my love for the art, the craft is still and, will always be strong. I will never find a way to stop doing this. If I do, then, that will surely be the end of, at least, one part of me.

I know that I've spoken about this before, usually when I really needed to expel this part of me like a bad poison akin to the act of a bloodletting but, I think I want to show that this ailment is not a one time thing. It is frequent and rabid.
And, in my opinion, alone, needs to be put down.
But, doing so is so much easier said than is done.
So, let me tell you how I get through times like these: I don't.
What usually happens is that I get so bogged down in my own lack of drive that it very nearly chokes me to death, leaving me a husk-like corpse at the end of it, with no soul or passion left to speak of.
This I liken to a robbery of the worse sort and, as such, I need resolve. Fast. Justice. Swiftly.
Satisfaction. Now.
I need to beat this thing and win.
But, as is always the question: how?
At the worst of times it's like this:
In the midst of wallowing, neck deep, in my own angst and guile, I struggle to pick my head up, above the water line and look around and see what I can see of the horizon and make a break for the first thing that catches my eye.
And, it's usually something shiny.
Something that glows so bright that it is a wonder that I hadn't seen it before (remind me to tell you about things that only appear to you or, ideas that only show themselves to you when they must).
It's usually an idea that was always at the back of my head but chose only now to reveal itself to me, when I needed it most (Ah, there it is!).
This is when I land upon projects that I haven't pounced on yet. Projects that have always been in the back of my head, that I can't seem to let go of (or, are they the ones who can't let go of me...?) that I suddenly want to explore more intimately.
In an instant, I want to scourge the city of second hand shops looking for any and all props that could help me in my endeavour, I want to line up possible models and subjects that may aid me in my need for artistic...validation(?), maybe, satisfaction or, fulfilment are better words.
But, suddenly, and instantaneously my urge to do something artistic with my camera is upon me and, as fast as it arrives...it is gone.
(I know there is a name for this but, for the life of me, I cannot fathom what it is...it cannot, simply, be laziness.
Out there, somewhere, there must be someone (a doctor?) who knows...)
And, at it's best:
I tend to venture to another medium.
One that allows me to keep both feet in an artistic world and still gives me free reign to express myself.
When my lack of drive for the photographic art is so dire I can barely stand to see my camera, I tend to always return to writing.
It is my other white meat.
In lieu of holding a camera and capturing what I can see through the lens I turn to writing, to see what I can capture through the pen, or the keyboard.
Any art form in a storm, I always say.
I have the same love as I have for photography as I have for writing, maybe even more so.
I'm not sure if I've said this already but, before I fell madly in love with photography I fell head over heels for writing.
It was the poetry of the words, the simple act of stringing along a simple set of words that allowed you to say so many things, be they big or, small.
It was the power of words that drew me and kept me at it's door, the endless possibilities.
I have long loved this art form and am ever glad to have been introduced to it.
Which is why, ideally, I would love to marry these two world's one day and join then in a cohesive union of love and hate, respectfully.
But, that day has yet to come...
...and, surprisingly, I still have hope, that it will.
Yay, for me!

Lights! Camera!

Over the holidays I finally did something that I've been wanting to do for some time. I bought myself a Flash Head Kit.
I'd been circling this particular set at Lozeau, on St. Hubert Street. I would actually go there for visitations like some wayward parent. I would pet it and stroke it. I would eye the model they'd set up and dream of shooting wonderful images that were bound to get me rack and racks of awards.
I know, delusions of grandeur but, dream no more is what I did.
I bought them and took them home.
Now the hard part begins.

How the bloody Hell do I use the confounded things??!!

I am not so fortunate in my apartment as to have enough space to prance around in. Most days, the best I can do it trot or cantor- and all that while trying not to knock over everything that gets in my way.
The reason for this is because I still live at home and have nowhere near enough funds to get my own place (something else I spend my days dreaming of...).
So, for now, I have to make due with my cramp space that I have and that now has a whole new set of tenants,
tenants that take up quite a bit of real estate when fully opened and operational.

My first trip was to my kitchen. Barring a few tight squeezes I think I got off a few good shots.

You may not know it by looking at it but, what you see is something akin to a miracle before you.
Like most photographers, If I can help it- and I DO try, whenever I can- I make it a habit to never take photos of myself. I HATE it, I LOATHE being my own model. Mostly because I don't think that I ever come out looking good, no matter what I take photos of myself.
But, when I have no other choice, then this is the result.

Now, surprise of all surprises, I really like this image. I think it looks like a documentary image, like there is supposed to be more to the story here. Looking at it, it makes me want to know what he other images are, what else is going on here or happening to her.
Where the lighting is concerned, I think that I need to work on the placement of my lights. I find it a bit too close to my face but, that can be rectified by pulling the light farther back and pumping up it's intensity.
As for position, maybe I should have moved the light more off to the side, maybe that would have given me some more contour to my face...

This picture was something unexpected but, I quite like it. I think it's probably the most relaxed that I've ever been in front of a camera but, having said that, I wish my chest wasn't pushed so far out into the ether. It makes me look more busty than I am (is this really a problem?) and definitely more wide (that is definitely a problem). Also, I still haven't mastered the art of self portraits yet, as my face is very blurry. I really need to hone my skills on far off, I'm-going-to-be-there-in-one-minute focusing.

Lastly, I hit the hallway. At this point I was soo exhausted I could barely keep my eyes open. But, in the end I think I did okay. The lights work so, now, I just have to understand how to use them.
And find some willing models.

Starting Over

From time to time, I will get a surge of inspiration, a burst of 'get-up-and-go' if you will. A flow of new energy that runs through me telling me that I now have the know how, the gumption, the 'whatever-you-call-it' to actually get my photography career off the ground. To finally start all of those left behind projects that I've always wanted to get started, I can finally start them now, all of those ideas I have floating around in my head, they can finally land now. They finally have a place to call home.
Well, this new surge is hitting me once again.
I only hope that I can keep up with it's energy.
To tell the truth, I kind of like when this new being enters my life, when it shows up in my sphere.
It gives me hope, of which, there are way, too many days where I have very little.
With this new hope in my life, I can feel my soul come alive, come anew.
It feels like starting over, like getting a second chance, every time.
And, sometimes, no matter how small the nudge, that may be all that you need.
For me, for right now, this will do.

Line! Lines, I say!

I am obsessed with lines! I see them everywhere. They're in the park, they're in my apartment, they're on people's bodies- their faces, their torsos, their legs- they're on cars-I see them everywhere! I don't know how it started or, where it came from. One day it just occurred to me that lines were everywhere and that I was completely enamoured with them. It does my heart a great service to see a clean line somewhere. To look upon the face of someone and trace the lines of their impressive jawline with my eyes, to slowly drag my vision across their sharply cut bone structure, is to me the very personification of enjoying a thing of beauty, To tilt back my head and stare into the Heavens as an ascending line of a building, or the curvature of a flower, or the sleek dip of a car, draws me to it's apex in any manner it saw fit is an hour well spent. If you ask me, we don't do that as much anymore. We don't take the time to enjoy what we see around us. We always expect beauty to be obvious, to stand out, or stick out in a crowd. Well, some do but, others we have to look for (and hopefully not too hard). Like the lines in a person's face, how smooth they look... If seen at a different angle they could be other-worldly, like an alien from outer space, completely foreign to you. That is what I love about lines,They take you places! They show you a world that you've never seen, a world that's right in front of you. Along with your trusty camera they pull down the veil before your eyes and expose what you've been missing this whole time. If you follow any particular line it could take you anywhere.

Wading Through The Past

As is usual for this time of year, the time where I find I have too much time on my hands and not enough inspiration or get-up-and-go to get out of my house to take some photos, I putt around my old images and see what I can do to spice them up in Lightroom and Photoshop and post them on facebook and my blog for the world to see. So far, it's been a crackin' summer- well, late summer. The images I came up with are ones from many moons ago when I was more frequent in carrying my camera around and would shoot the bejeezus out of just about anything that wouldn't so much as budge, thereby keeping me in a state of staidness where my photos were concerned. Okay, this is turning into a pity party. I didn't mean for it to, I apologize. Now, back to the images I revamped, somewhat. The first one is from my trip to Washington D.C. a couple summers ago when I went to see my family. We went to the Martin Luther King memorial and it was glorious. The likeness of him is very striking. I'm not sure what outcome the artist wanted for this sculpture but, if they were going for stern, and, pensive, then they hit it spot on. He really looks like he's wearing the face that wrote the 'I Have a Dream' speech, Like the artist caught him just before he put pen to paper. The next images I shot on a city bus downtown during a particularly bad and, dreary day of rain. If I remember correctly, it got really dark, really quickly that day: two p.m. in the afternoon looked more like five p.m. in winter. I love days like these, they're so moody and full of character. Walking around the city on days like this often puts me in a mind set of a film noir kind of movie, or an independent film along the lines of Dark City with Rufus Sewell and Kiefer Sutherland. I was on the bus just waiting for it to take off when I saw this tableau in front of me. This was back when Iwas forcing myself to see differently, to step out of my comfort zone and expand my scope of view. Granted, this isn't THAT much out of my zone of comfort but still, at the time, this was something of a break through for me.

I love airports! If you've been following my blog then you already know this about me. I love to shoot in airports (if anyone from airport security is flagging this: I swear, my camera is not a weapon! I shoot with pixels (yes, they are real, not like Smurfs) and not bullets!). Another dark day found me at the Pierre Eliot Trudeau Airport walking around their new digs after a major renovation months before. I started out missing my favourite wall of glass where I used to watch the planes land and take off but soon found myself loving the open space of the place and marvelling at the segment that was attached/connected to the Marriott Hotel at the fare end of the building. It was a genius idea to make those two parts of the terminal come together, and, come together so well it did. The building blends together really well, so much so, that it has easily become one of my favourite places in Montreal to either shoot or just walk around. And, all that glass in the front really helps to make me forget my old wall of glass- almost. It brings in so much light that when inside, you're likely to think that you are still outside and on the pavement.

A Whole New Avenue

This year I was lucky enough to have my photo workshop extended to a course spread across a six week period. This was entirely new territory for me. Hosting a class in a four hour time slot was one thing but, hosting an actual class was another. So, to say that I was a nervous wreck before class even started was a complete understatement, one for the record books, I would say. Looking back I wished I'd done so many things different. Like, I wished I was so much more prepared. At the beginning of each class I thought I was but, soon after each class started it became very apparent that I had so much more work to do. I wished that I had spent some more time getting the right transparencies. I wish I had more so that they wouldn't have overlapped, and repeated themselves from time to time. I especially wished I had learned how to stand in front of a class and teach. That said, I really loved my class! The students I had were incredibly inquisitive and engaging! They asked all kinds of questions and always came back with some very creative homework! It was wonderful to see how their minds worked when tossed with a topic or subject to photograph. My hope for them is that they truly continue with their photography and have a great time exploring the many aspects of the art! After all of this, and after getting some great feedback from one of my students, I really hope that I get another opportunity to host a weekly workshop. Not just for the reason that it was such, great fun but also, because I desperately want to get better at this.

500px.com

It's amazing how many websites there are out there to sell your images. A few days ago I came across one called 500px.com. Truthfully, I had never heard of this site before but, upon closer inspection, I quickly got the idea that it's been around for quite some time. So, liking what I saw, I immediately opened an account with them. One of their best selling points is the fact that I don't have to deal with the details of shipping and handling. That is all them! This leaves me completely free and clear to wander outside my house, in whatever state of creative inebriation I find myself at the time, and completely concentrate on taking my images.On top of that, they always answer my questions in as timely a manner as possible. And, as all of who've ever waited on pointed tinder hooks for any kind of response from any website on which we've just posted a query,all of which are of the utmost, press the red button now!, importance, this is very much appreciated. So far, I'm very happy with them. If you would like to take a look, then, here are my images. http://500px.com/llongmore (having tried to attach a link to this blog before, I'm really hoping this works this time) But, if the link doesn't work then, just look up my name, Loretta Stephens, and see where that gets you. Alright, fingers crossed, heeere... weee..go!