...Respite...

If you've been keeping up with my blog you've noticed that from time to time, I've taken a kind of sabbatical from photography. The lull in between practical photography taking has varied over the years but the pull is still there, albeit sporadic. I wish my tactical, hands on approach to this art was more prevalent in action, I wish there was a way that I could keep the love strong, strong enough to fight through my lack of drive. It is the Achilles to my heel, the fight to which I didn't see coming, the constant battle to which I find myself plowing through.
It is tiring.
It takes up much of my energy just to try and find a reason to pick up a camera every now and then.
But, my love for the art, the craft is still and, will always be strong. I will never find a way to stop doing this. If I do, then, that will surely be the end of, at least, one part of me.

I know that I've spoken about this before, usually when I really needed to expel this part of me like a bad poison akin to the act of a bloodletting but, I think I want to show that this ailment is not a one time thing. It is frequent and rabid.
And, in my opinion, alone, needs to be put down.
But, doing so is so much easier said than is done.
So, let me tell you how I get through times like these: I don't.
What usually happens is that I get so bogged down in my own lack of drive that it very nearly chokes me to death, leaving me a husk-like corpse at the end of it, with no soul or passion left to speak of.
This I liken to a robbery of the worse sort and, as such, I need resolve. Fast. Justice. Swiftly.
Satisfaction. Now.
I need to beat this thing and win.
But, as is always the question: how?
At the worst of times it's like this:
In the midst of wallowing, neck deep, in my own angst and guile, I struggle to pick my head up, above the water line and look around and see what I can see of the horizon and make a break for the first thing that catches my eye.
And, it's usually something shiny.
Something that glows so bright that it is a wonder that I hadn't seen it before (remind me to tell you about things that only appear to you or, ideas that only show themselves to you when they must).
It's usually an idea that was always at the back of my head but chose only now to reveal itself to me, when I needed it most (Ah, there it is!).
This is when I land upon projects that I haven't pounced on yet. Projects that have always been in the back of my head, that I can't seem to let go of (or, are they the ones who can't let go of me...?) that I suddenly want to explore more intimately.
In an instant, I want to scourge the city of second hand shops looking for any and all props that could help me in my endeavour, I want to line up possible models and subjects that may aid me in my need for artistic...validation(?), maybe, satisfaction or, fulfilment are better words.
But, suddenly, and instantaneously my urge to do something artistic with my camera is upon me and, as fast as it arrives...it is gone.
(I know there is a name for this but, for the life of me, I cannot fathom what it is...it cannot, simply, be laziness.
Out there, somewhere, there must be someone (a doctor?) who knows...)
And, at it's best:
I tend to venture to another medium.
One that allows me to keep both feet in an artistic world and still gives me free reign to express myself.
When my lack of drive for the photographic art is so dire I can barely stand to see my camera, I tend to always return to writing.
It is my other white meat.
In lieu of holding a camera and capturing what I can see through the lens I turn to writing, to see what I can capture through the pen, or the keyboard.
Any art form in a storm, I always say.
I have the same love as I have for photography as I have for writing, maybe even more so.
I'm not sure if I've said this already but, before I fell madly in love with photography I fell head over heels for writing.
It was the poetry of the words, the simple act of stringing along a simple set of words that allowed you to say so many things, be they big or, small.
It was the power of words that drew me and kept me at it's door, the endless possibilities.
I have long loved this art form and am ever glad to have been introduced to it.
Which is why, ideally, I would love to marry these two world's one day and join then in a cohesive union of love and hate, respectfully.
But, that day has yet to come...
...and, surprisingly, I still have hope, that it will.
Yay, for me!

Lights! Camera!

Over the holidays I finally did something that I've been wanting to do for some time. I bought myself a Flash Head Kit.
I'd been circling this particular set at Lozeau, on St. Hubert Street. I would actually go there for visitations like some wayward parent. I would pet it and stroke it. I would eye the model they'd set up and dream of shooting wonderful images that were bound to get me rack and racks of awards.
I know, delusions of grandeur but, dream no more is what I did.
I bought them and took them home.
Now the hard part begins.

How the bloody Hell do I use the confounded things??!!

I am not so fortunate in my apartment as to have enough space to prance around in. Most days, the best I can do it trot or cantor- and all that while trying not to knock over everything that gets in my way.
The reason for this is because I still live at home and have nowhere near enough funds to get my own place (something else I spend my days dreaming of...).
So, for now, I have to make due with my cramp space that I have and that now has a whole new set of tenants,
tenants that take up quite a bit of real estate when fully opened and operational.

My first trip was to my kitchen. Barring a few tight squeezes I think I got off a few good shots.

You may not know it by looking at it but, what you see is something akin to a miracle before you.
Like most photographers, If I can help it- and I DO try, whenever I can- I make it a habit to never take photos of myself. I HATE it, I LOATHE being my own model. Mostly because I don't think that I ever come out looking good, no matter what I take photos of myself.
But, when I have no other choice, then this is the result.

Now, surprise of all surprises, I really like this image. I think it looks like a documentary image, like there is supposed to be more to the story here. Looking at it, it makes me want to know what he other images are, what else is going on here or happening to her.
Where the lighting is concerned, I think that I need to work on the placement of my lights. I find it a bit too close to my face but, that can be rectified by pulling the light farther back and pumping up it's intensity.
As for position, maybe I should have moved the light more off to the side, maybe that would have given me some more contour to my face...

This picture was something unexpected but, I quite like it. I think it's probably the most relaxed that I've ever been in front of a camera but, having said that, I wish my chest wasn't pushed so far out into the ether. It makes me look more busty than I am (is this really a problem?) and definitely more wide (that is definitely a problem). Also, I still haven't mastered the art of self portraits yet, as my face is very blurry. I really need to hone my skills on far off, I'm-going-to-be-there-in-one-minute focusing.

Lastly, I hit the hallway. At this point I was soo exhausted I could barely keep my eyes open. But, in the end I think I did okay. The lights work so, now, I just have to understand how to use them.
And find some willing models.